things i do that are weird

meow town
I can't stop listeningggg. So good.

new

changed a bunch of things today.

Thinking about completing a TEFL course, then going to Prague to teach English.

atlas sound, cameli's pizza 3/21

staying up till god knows when to catch up with this show again

Yes, best fucking scene in a television show. It has (at certain points) ridiculous British humor that at some points gets completely lame (actually just this new season, I've noticed). But I guess the Brits eat that up. And it's really easy to overlook it. I was really bummed to find out they were going to completely revamp the cast for the third season... And okay, warning, third season is hard to get into solely because the first two episodes are crap and way too extreme only because I get the sense they wanted to "introduce" the new characters. Really though, it is my guilty pleasure that I am continually pleased by. Lots of drugs. Lots of sex. Really incredible soundtrack. Crystal Castles makes a cameo, twice throughout the seasons. But really adorable story lines. Seasons 1 and 2 were just.. so. good. So good. Season 3 is shaping up. Finally.

Recommended. Watch it here. And watch above scene here.

ew

morning star is actually REALLY good, but these are so gross

" Lets take life and slow it down incredibly slow, frame by frame with two minutes that take ten years to live out. Yeah, lets do that."

List making seems appropriate. Sometimes the only way to outlet my emotions is to list them in some sort of order that adds sense to them, as if I couldn't make sense of them in the first place. Which is exactly the case, I've always had a hard time making sense of my emotions so most of the time I pacify them, or typify them as something else. If I could relate the way I'm feeling right now, about myself, about my life, my current state I guess you would say, I would compare it to this one experience I had.

Except it's a third-grader's memory. Well, I had the memory back when I was in third grade. But I was the happiest I can remember, not because things were all going my way, I was just inside of a waterfall. Really, somewhere we hiked to, we climbed into this natural insert and all of a sudden I'm able to look to my right to a wall of literal water. Side stone, side water, roof above me, and a stale flat floor. All I could smell was this mossy, earth smell. Which might be why I love dew on grass, because it's sort of like that, but honestly I love dew on grass for other reasons. So I guess this memory is completely separate.

I wasn't jumping from a waterfall, or watching it from afar, I was inside of it. I was part of it's construction, I could run my fingers through it. Like sort of when you drag your fingers along a fence. Except I didn't feel caged, or trapped, I was not overwhelmed.

I don't even remember really how we got there. I know we must have hiked, but I can't remember the pathway we took. I also wonder if my memory of the waterfall was accurate. It was so grandiose and so, just, so. You can't really do much but sort of look at it. You can sort of see your shadow against it. I don't know. I was in third grade.

But with him I sort of feel that way. Nothing similar, but that feeling I probably had. Not sure how I got there, but completely satisfied with it. I'm surrounded by people I didn't know half a year ago, and I'm with him, someone I never really planned to meet. But, I did. I'm completely different than the person I was in these little senses yet somehow I've returned to the person I've felt comfortable with once before. I really don't know how things panned out this way, but I guess that's how life is supposed to work out. Or maybe mine. Honestly I don't know why I bother trying to figure out those questions like "How did I get here?" because there are too many here's and how's to ask in my life that I guess I've come to the realization that...

I'm going to be hiking, some path, and I'll walk into some waterfall, and I'll be happy. I guess that's my life, just a sort of random, wandering, hike. Hike because it's not just a walk, it's harder than that. Hike because I actually put effort into myself.

I forgot about the list. I guess I'm still sort of forming that in my head.

i hate that you are so tired right now.

i have pink eye, hah hah. what a funny little happenstance. "did ben fart on your pillow?" it will go away soon. hopefully along with my cold that ben and I have managed to pass back and forth. actually, not just us. everyone we know. literally.

I do not quite know why you have insisted yourself upon me, but you have lately. I hadn't seen you for weeks, and now I hear from you too often. Really, what are we doing? Is this friendship? You're barely a friend. I don't want to be friends with you, we were never quite friends. And thinking about it, you're not really a good friend at all. To any of your friends. Maybe that's why most of your friends plus those you were acquaintances with became some of my close friends. But, that's another story, and I guess it doesn't really concern with what I have to say to you.

I don't really want to say it to you, because honestly I'd like to speak to you as little as possible. I see you as kind of a dead-beat, I think everyone can agree. But I'll say it here. You never meant that much to me. You were honestly a rebound that blew up too quickly and became something when really it never meant slightly more than nothing. I was only attracted to you maybe because you were so different than what I had been accustomed to for over a year and a half. Maybe I was attracted to that dead-beat sense of style for a while. Anyway it happened, I let it happen, and it took a track on a different path than I expected, at first I was completely unsure but then I just let it take it's course. I remember I had to convince myself that I was satisfied and happy with you. You were laughing at something stupid I said. People laughing with me is generally what leads me to like them. Maybe that's why I let you in.

I heard you say 'I love you' one night and it threw me off. Completely. And everything that followed the next week would throw me off even more. And maybe you facilitated the first instance of depression I can claim. It's not because of you, not at all. But you helped it build.

So, yes, I wiped you off my plate and I cleaned it up real nice. I think I did a good job of forgetting about you, forgiving you, but at the same time moving on. I never planned on us being friends, but only acquaintances because we do still have the same friends. And I really didn't harbor any hard feelings towards you, because I had found my own sanity and happiness which I still can claim today. Obviously now, that you've seen it possible to contact me again it's apparent you're not over me. Or maybe it's something else I just don't understand. But you've seen me with him, you could tell I was happy.

But, honestly, I'm not in the mood and I don't have time. You make everytime I see you awkward, and the texts/calls which follow just add to it. You saw me with him, and I know you fixated upon my happiness. So don't send me texts about how I'm in your dreams. It's not reciprocated. You never were really in mine to begin with.

This is really all I have left to say to you. I guess at the same time I can say, thank you, because you introduced me to some really great people. It's unfortunate that it turned out this way but... Maybe it's just the way it's meant to be.

my days are spent:

I have realized there are more than a few people out there who aren't concerned with friendship, but rather, having friends.

I'm glad I've sifted through that population.

seriously?

this is ridiculous.

"I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away"

Yes, I will meet Bill Murray. And yes, since the weather is nice I plan on spending as much time as possible in Piedmont Park. Getting a job again, a bike, a hair trim, eating like a ~Queen~ continually, doing things when I want to, and riding public transit for the time being. Will purchase Before Sunrise and Jules and Jim as soon as affordable copies make their way onto Ebay. Thankful to finally add Sex and Lucia to it.

I've got so many ideas, sayings, stories, people in my head I really believe I can write this. My aunt sounds confident I can. I just need some sort of direction, which I guess could probably take years to find. Maybe I just have to undergo some sort of epic love story of my own, and then maybe I'll be able to formulate one to be portrayed on the screen. It's a whim, but something I'd like to do. Either way, I saved this little slip of paper about being extras in movies from Creative Loafing. Networking purposes, solely.

I'll be 19 in less than a few days and I'm going to eat, and eat, and eat. And then drink and be merry. No question mark needed.

Back from the dead

Jason,
Tonight was the first time I referred to Ben as my "boyfriend." Don't feel dumb.

He pretty much is. I guess whenever anyone asks me or refers to him as one, the only reason why in the back of my head I think 'really?' is because it's just new, that's all. That and it's never been appropriately addressed. But I guess it never really had to. Everyone else has said it for us. I guess it's only us that haven't said anything. Probably because the way I come off, maybe.

But I like it.

So, Jason, I'll see you tomorrow. You're capable of being just my friend.

SB 09!!!11

Okay, today was really trying. Seriously.

I woke up to a really great morning with Ben. And of course at 12:30 I realize I left the car parked in the pay parking lot... Only less than an hour after the ticket had expired, my car was booted. Twice? Great morning shot with a shitty afternoon. I didn't even fight it. All I could think was, this really sucks, but whatever. The guy of course talks to me like I'm going to give him some sort of mouth. Really? My head is down, I said nothing to you other than to answer your dumb question of whether or not I understood why I had been booted. Right. Of course I was upset about it, but I wasn't rude to him at all.

But, Fat Old Man, I'm really strapped for cash right now and YOU just took fifty dollars of MY food money. Thanks a bunch, I'm glad at least you have a job and a car and you're getting by. But don't be an asshole to me when I'm putting up no contest.

Seriously though. I didn't cry at all. I remember trying to cry while I waited for Ben to meet me in the parking lot. It just didn't work. I was wearing my favorite dress and it felt so fucking good outside, and for some reason it didn't bother me.

I raced around the city because it's fun to do that, to drive 60 down Inman Park. Of course I roll the windows down. And of course the window is broken. Only we find that out after the window is completely down, and no way to pull it up. Seriously though, it sucked only because we were in the city with a wide open window. You might as well have broken into my car. Free range.

I kind of flipped out and pranced around the road with no shoes on (yet tights) and I really hope Ben's friend doesn't think I was angry at him or crazy. Because I wasnt.

All I really wondered was, Why? Why did this have to happen in these order of events. It's like this one day, when I closed the door on my pinky finger. I was with someone I shouldn't have been, so, Okay God, whatever, I get it. But today was a perfect day. And so what I had my Dad's car in Atlanta. I was having the perfect morning. And I would have had a simple day. I would have came home, no problem, to pick my father up from the Airport, then I would have enjoyed Carrabbas, then.. I'd come home to McDonough for a night to catch up on Flight of the Conchords.

But of course all of these things had to happen in order to set me back to that stressful feeling that, shit, things aren't always easy and simple and sometimes they fuck over perpetually.

All I can say is I've been really lucky. Things might have easily been too simple and too simply easy lately. I guess everyone deserves their share of bad luck and certain happenstances which, suck.

Things that are currently bothering me, and have been highlighted today:
-I'm carless, and jobless, and I feel worthless sometimes when I hang around and do nothing. I'm a pretty set individual, and I really don't enjoy feeling like I'm wasting my time or something. Because I'm currently in debt to my government, I owe (at this moment) $8,000 and I'm not saving up to pay it off or... Anything. All to live in the commons for a year. Sweeeet.
-I have no idea where I'm going to live next year. I want to move up to Atlanta this May, get a place, after I finish this semester, but I have no idea who I'm going to live with. I'd really like to live with Jamie, or Alison again, just because I have before and I know exactly what to expect, and we worked out as roommates for the most part (although we aren't close anymore..) but I get this feeling she's made other plans to live with someone else. That or she's not concerned about it. Jamie has mentioned to me about getting a place, but nothing further. Either way, I still don't know what I'm going to do.
-Family shit. Ugh. Money. Health.

Really though, I'm going to kill myself with this mindset. I know tomorrow I will wake up, and none of this will matter half as much as it did today. I will probably just sort of frown about it, but move on with my day. I have a lot going for me right now, and things are working. Spring Break just turned out to be less of a break, and more of a.......

Actually I don't know.

I'm really happy with him.

ps. just because I (smoke) again does not mean we can hang out. We never did, so why would we start? eh? Plus you probably have shitty goods.
pps. you are so annoying. It makes me laugh. Glad I don't have to deal with you anymore.