if they say it is then it has to be but otherwise it might be nothing

whenever someone asks me how we are i say something along the lines of, "well, he's bob." and then i catch myself, think about it, and try to provide an answer. but "well, he's bob" doesn't actually mean anything when i say it. . . i don't mean it, i just usually have nothing else, really, to say because i haven't had the chance yet to really think about it. our relationship makes little sense to me. i am completely beyond my realm of comprehension. yet, i am physically putting myself through it. yet, i see no other way to live my life right now. yet, i want no other person to spend my time with.

and maybe i have reconsidered it in my mind, being with him. i have certainly fought with him, and i've certainly lost my wits about him. the other night we were arguing after wonderroot, we were both sort of drunk, but i convinced myself that i was not really (although i had completely forgotten the fact i pretty much finished the rest of the old russian handle to myself since it was so very within my reach) so my argument seemed more convincing. honestly, i can not even remember what the argument was about, and maybe it was even because i had felt so goddamn weird that night for multiple occasions (and so is life, really, i am not the person to steam about just because x or y was there, but i am conscious of it) so when we were back at my house, and i had already been mad at him at wonderroot, i started to cry and then i screamed and he tried to hold me, and calm me down, but i kept screaming, and i pushed him away. and then he got up, and said something about how i was crazy, how he doesn't do "this" (and by "this," well, really? i had to be a "this" like that? so what if i am crazy) and tried to leave. but i didn't want him to, and i realized that it made me cry harder, and to that i had to go up to him and hold him. somewhere i was almost sure he wouldn't leave, but nothing else existed because he might have left and that could have ruined me. and the way he looked at me kind of terrified me, his facial expressions were so pronounced because of his eyebrows, i think. maybe even the bull ring, too. he was fuming at me.



i could see the veins in his neck. but he stood at the doorway too long, his steps were faltered. he took too much time to leave. and then, he didn't leave. and we slept in the same bed together.

and i can already think of countless amount of times where he became upset with me. where we fought. but i seem to overlook it, each day. i am consumed. i see no way out.

cheers to your ability to overwhelm me. i am beginning to change you. you have changed me.