lately

i'm starting to forget my past. so much that i dont remember his birthday, or this event, or that relationship, and what it entailed. people, and occurrences, in my life, that at the time were seemingly important have slipped my mind. i'm asked constantly by old friends, "you cant remember the time we did this?" never was i inebriated or under the influence of anything.. nothing like that. i've flat out forgot them. i've realized that im so wrapped up in my present and future that i've almost forgotten... or you could say.. denied, ignored my past. my make up. my root, my core... what i was so proud of. or maybe now, since ive grown, changed, i shouldnt be proud anymore.

i guess what this means is.. i'm losing that part of me i tried so hard to hold onto.... my flighty attitude, my reckless inhibitions. its image is slowly being broken down, and the appeal i placed on it for so long. no, it wasnt ok to hurt him like that. and no, it wasnt ok to hurt him again. its not possible to just instant message someone out of the blue, someone who at once meant something to you at one point - or so you thought, and expect him to be the happiest person to hear from you.

talking to him, to you, again, was really hard for me. it was so cordial, so flat. stale, almost. what do you think of me, these two years since we last saw each other? you fell for a good friend of mine a year ago, why didnt that hurt me until now? 'college is this,' your diction was that of my high school counsler. i dont understand it. how we can go from love-struck teens to this, this, which i'll never hear from you again until i get the audacity to instant message you again. or maybe ill run into you that time, like i did once before, but it wont mean anything other day a meet and greet. maybe this is my inability to accept the way it is now. but i cant help but think how detatched and unemotional we've become towards each other.

its my fault...