i should just accept it rather than fuck it away.

2: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a: a pressing down : lowering b (1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity

perspective

BEACH HOUSE - GILA from Jon Leone on Vimeo.

politely brainfucked. it's so cruel things had to turn out this way. i'm still the same person yet i feel this looming sense of change that is unnatural to me. in the sense that i feel i've already changed so much this year and how could i possibly change even more?

something i just noticed: whenever i'm on someone else's facebook page, i realize that i frequently try to remove the 'recent activity' from their page assuming it's mine....

hm, i find it a bit interesting i chose to write that on my blog. i probably biked 10 miles today, which is a lot for me to do in one day since i really don't have to go far to get anywhere where i live. i bought parts for my current bike, and looked at parts for the one i'm planning on building, if i ever get around to it. since the roommate is moving out, i'll start on it in august. plan to finish it in two weeks, thats if i get my shit together. which i probably wont. but i honestly dont mind if it takes me months as long as i know its the bike i completely want. plus, the longer this is taking the more effort i'll probably put into it. i decided i'd really love to use cork bar tape... silver wheels, pale, brownish yellow frame, silver handlebar.

please excuse the abundance of things to say. i am firstly not tired and second under the influence. plus my friends just left and i really just need to talk right now.

i'm very much interested in you but i don't really know what to think. things about that sentence: it's about more than one you's. albeit two you's, but still. but really. how much longer till some sense is made out of everything. i feel clouded. shrouded in thought. constant back and forth of what i want. i'm not at all unhappy. just unsure. a bit unsteady with what i want to do with myself. for some reason i feel like i've been placed this excellent chance to just move on with myself and take myself somewhere (move) or find another, cheaper, more sensical way to do something else with myself. i've already considered changing my major, my school, my things of interest, my friends... you see what i'm saying? i feel like i just did this, 7 or 8 months ago. change. i'm not really ready to go through this complete overhaul again.

because, for 6 months, i was so completely happy with myself. and now, it's over, and although i'm still happy with myself, i know i can do so much more to allow myself to be much happier. alone, although i keep surrounding myself.

i'm plagued by the what if.

i really never, ever say this much. please excuse this post, and if you read it and think i'm not stupid please tell me.

Sure, you've got a handle on the past
It's why you keep your little lovers in your lap
Give a little more than you like
Pick apart the past, you're not going back
So don't you waste your time

snow would be appropriate

i realized last night that i seem to be the girl you date when you quit smoking.

thigns that are going on right now

thinking back.

i left a comment on my roommates facebook saying "act happy around me" because the other day i was locked out and he had to come by and let me in and he didnt say a word to me, barely. and acted very short. so, i guess thats why id say that

i got really wasted with my coworkders tonight and i shotgunned my manager. yeah, that;s right. and when i reacted, he was like "its not like it was a rim job or anything" or something to that manner. emily and this girl i met carlita kept telling me that i was so funny, and told me to ignore them watching me. i kept making inappropraite jokes and alluding to the fact my phone says "stop thinking about sex."


and whats funny is that is totally, completely, 100% true.
i need to stop thinking about sex.

intense soul searching

i need to give up my east coast shit. i should just turn left and head west.

bear temple

I saw Sonic Youth last night. Anti-Orgasm has to be my favorite song at the moment.




It's weird. I really want you. But I never see you. And despite my distractions I still can't help but want you. You know.
You're just something I'm more interested in at the moment. I kind of see us just hanging out more than anything but even that is enough for me. Not really looking for anything past that at the moment but at the same time I'm completely satisfied that I've found something close to that.
I'm in my own world. I guess you are too. That works.

breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

i'll sort through these experiences and make sense out of them eventually.

for now i'll try to recap my night to my closest friends but even they can't help me make sense out of it.

and i almost feel like i want to forget it happened. then again i know it wasn't really anything.

but sense should be made, and i won't let myself be the one to figure it out. i think it's his turn.

acid

seriously all i've been listening to the past couple days.

my horoscope

in creative loafing this week said that my july would be magical. or something of that sort.

who doesn't want that? for now, all i'll ask for is some adequate privacy. my room might be adjacent to yours, but that does not entitle you to mouth about what goes on in it to whoever you feel should know.

anyway, i'll just keep on humming under my breath. right now i think born ruffians suits every mood i've ever been in the last two weeks.

an update, i think my mother is all too proud. i talked to her today and just, well, talked, and i've never realized how much of a friend my mother can be. seriously. i never, ever, imagined that i would be able to discuss dick size with my mother. but i digress. i'm far too much like her in a handful of ways. maybe it's not an all that bad thing.