i ask only for blood, sweat, tears

i'm soured and scorned (without you), not in a literal sense, just a feeling i get.

squirm

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
a
a
a
a
a
a ha a a a a a a a a a a a
h a ah a ah a ha ha a h a

this is certainly the highlight of my day so far

photos

trying to figure some things out. i might have to go missing next year for a few months. all for personal development. if i say i'm going to do things then i just need to go ahead and do it. i've got the money to even plan it right now. i think i will, maybe come may i will take a few months away, or if i don't do that try to get back before summer semester. i need to get outttt, seriously, i am strangled, i need to feel alive, although i would be lying if i said i haven't felt so these days.

because i do, overwhelmingly so these days, i've decided it can't be healthy. i simply can not be this content. settled in myself. regardless of anything in my life right now. i'm happy alone, happy go lucky, and charmed.

youth tyuho

microgestin

stand closer next to me; you're warm most of the time, warm hands, mostly strong; strength, i feel it inside of me; i can imagine it as it could be, more, but i'm too bold to confront it

first of all i am getting sick, so being at my house in mcdonough is further strangling.
second of all i ordered books (tao lin) and leggings with some kind of 'heat technology' from uniqlo. i will not let the cold restrain me (but weed and a bed and covers and a book only sounds the most appealing thing to do when the heat doesn't work in my house).
third of all i'd just...

it is really very interesting to me that i have all of a sudden taken action in my life. i have some new found authority over myself. my vague and general grasp of it all:: i'm prone to mistakes but only willing to make up for them.

getting to know you.

loose, forward, raw, advanced

i want to think these things because they are charming to think about

so charming that you're that way
i replace myself with passion
you are curious to me
close yet detached
intimate yet not involved

only i can not take my mind off these thoughts

they mean something greater/
what sense does it make to bother myself with someone so rare
rare to me, rare in my life, but that's all they ever will be

it is rare i find someone who wants to feel me as much as i want them inside of me. literal. only then can i give myself. i feel so restrained by words. i have been having trouble lately forming sentences. my writing makes no sense. my thoughts make no sense. i am slowly losing my abilities to a new learned restraint. self taught. i stain myself drunk. not that i piss myself, no, i mean i just ruin myself by it. it is like any other situation in my life. i pass myself to the intoxication; i sit in influence. a compulsion of set influences, hierarchy next to sex.

i am living through another channel, these days.

james franco guest stars on general hospital

-interesting - interesting i'm interested cause if nights like that can only be once and varied then i gotta look for more.

go ahead and adapt early cause age always matters in the race

move move move move move move

a lot of things condensed down to one

i am thankful for my cat my friends my family an above all my ability to perceive things yes?

'how i wish you were here'

false feminist death syndrome

biking by your house is a bitch because i really just want to hang out. too bad it's too complicated.

not going to lie

last night. :)

sensationalism

book

atlas sound 10/10/09

yes i am a fan, yes yes yes three and four times over, thank you bradford cox for making it a bit (a lot) more personal than kia made it out to be (which is why i referred to it as 'the bullshit' but i don't know how well that translates across a metal fence); i know it was just some 'free show' but i feel it, once again, attested to how prolific he really is

really good weed

image
this. this is the reason i'm almost sure what i'd like to do with my life. (honestly though i can't want to see how he translates this into retail.)

3d

vid

im just bored, i guess, with things and all. give me a second to catch my breath. i was up by the train yard, my favorite part on wylie, right next to this house where i guess a lot of different kinds of people live because of their biodiesel mercedes and other variations of equipment. but i had to just, stop,
i just had to catch my breath for a minute
i almost wanted to cry
lately ive just felt helpless
but really i'm just all kinds of white girl problems that don't mean shit. really, i keep saying i need to get my shit together but i realized tonight that i need this, i crave this, i seek out this spontaneity in life because that's just how i function. i don't understand why the past few weeks all i've cared about is why, why, what does this mean when really it's just a question of what next, when, and now.
i love it when something is just so, completely wrong.
but then i almost got hit by a car while on my bike on the way home, so maybe it's my life's way of telling me something.

give me your money. do it.

atonioni's 'blow-up'

image/vid

weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed weed .
out one come in the other. i've always hated autumn because i always end up feeling lonely. but then someone else comes along and motion is perpetuated.

my professor asked me if i was an english major after she read my paper about my mother. i said no, but i'm certainly inclined to wonder why she asked. i read on my paper how she was impressed with my articulated style. to even think i have a style is interesting to me.

lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy eat it out

keeping up cheering up holding onto it and letting go and only doing shit that makes me keep my mind alone, alone, alone, because it's easier that way, otherwise it's a hard process that requires a copious amount of alcohol, recently tinged by the effects of hard liquor, and always being fucking boss, because once you've learned boss you can't wear it out, right? all complaints aside at least i get to be best friends with my cat.

chola 4 lyf

well, i'm pretty sure i've been fired from mellow. i guess this is the start in a new chapter and all.

i think it would be very attractive for a man to moan during sex.

i think i'm just really lost and i have yet to consider a way out. on and on and on and on. circling. fuck its so easy for me to accustom to this.

fukyayhhh

tonight i realized something really big but only because i've never thought of it before, and it had never made sense. but now it does,

and it makes no sense.

space smells like ozone

at least i still experience adventures in debauchery (not literally, although i'm sure some of you would have expected the literal from me in some time of my life)

although i'm caged.

carly just knows.

an open letter

ive tried, desperately attempted to get over you in so many ways the past couple months. all i have to show for it is a new found love for my cat and smoking by myself. everything else doesnt make any sense without you. at least for now. youve situated yourself, and youre going nowhere. and im holding you, alright, alright.

we can do this your way.
aeiou

je t'aime mieux

i have a real eyedea for things. apparently, since i'm a pisces, i have psychic qualities. somehow this seems to solve every problem i've ever developed with myself. i can't say these psychic qualities really hinder me that much though.

if anything it allows me to be honest, sans brutality. i'm just enough honest for your own good, and my own good, so don't take it for granted this second time around.

if that's what it is. more like i'm always someones favorite doll that talks, eats, sleeps, and fucks real good. i might be something more to them, but i know firsthand the way they talk to me.

but i can collect you too.

she is demonstrative of love, and likes healthy pleasures.

these grapes have too much flavor

although I can't say we are together in a traditional sense, I can say I am yours, as you are mine. I can't deny you. It's altogether unusual for me.

I almost want to forget our past relationship. Only because now I know what you have to say about it. But I guess things like this deserve a second chance. I need to hold on to my memory of meeting you, and falling for you, and giving up a half relationship to pursue you.

And this one night, I was really drunk and we had just gone to some party and you were in a paint suit. I think it had just rained, or something of that sort, and the fog was heavy over the city. 6 floors up and we had sex in the clouds, or that's what I kept repeating and I was so loud.
I don't want to forget about things like that.

I like to humor men on Marta solely because it might add some entertainment to a rather tedious and boring part of my day. Today I met a man who had just been released from prison for not paying his bail, and another man who went to Bass High School in Little Five before it became the Lofts... I tried to take off the Used Book stickers off my book but I just couldn't really figure out the effective manner. My grapes seriously have butts in them.

I washed my face and looked and noticed that I was glowing. Seriously. I'm glowing. This is why I miss having sex.

to hell with poverty

freckles. thanks carly.

b(x) > c(x)

no no no no no no no no no no no

because im drunk

im realizing lately who means what in my life.

i love you ben, i want to be there for you over and over again.




but seriously i can only go so long without a good fuck.

unhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

reading things i used to say about you make me want to cry. you're ruining this whole 'im over you' thing ive got going.

sometimes you're naked and thank god sometimes i'm naked. well hello.

"you're a lovely person to be around"

they said they thought you had schizophrenia. i hate that i had no idea. i hate this happened to you. i want to be with you three times over. i love you.

sometimes i'm thinking that i love you, but i know it's only lust

separate from the center. always think a bit off center. sometimes you'll be surprised by the amount of relief you'll feel. because it's all better when you're solid, alone, state of mind clear because it's only influenced by those things you chose to bring upon yourself. whatever. clear.

in a week i start school again. time, time. i'm having trouble remembering things.

really trying to make myself look sober for my parents in time, but i cant stop looking at things.

who would have known that i actually like the fish sandwich/yuca fries/fried plantains at papi's?

she is back home with me

i hope my parents are proud of me

what's in my trashcan kind of upsets me. in general, things have upset me the past week. i'm a mess of myself right now.

i kind of feel like nothing at all is happening in my life. and this is after i felt like i had no hold over anything.

i still feel that way, now that i think about it.

but i really, honestly, need to enjoy my time in solitude. or maybe it's that i desperately need someone to spend my time with. it's one or the other and i'm no good at figuring it out.

i should just accept it rather than fuck it away.

2: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a: a pressing down : lowering b (1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity

perspective

BEACH HOUSE - GILA from Jon Leone on Vimeo.

politely brainfucked. it's so cruel things had to turn out this way. i'm still the same person yet i feel this looming sense of change that is unnatural to me. in the sense that i feel i've already changed so much this year and how could i possibly change even more?

something i just noticed: whenever i'm on someone else's facebook page, i realize that i frequently try to remove the 'recent activity' from their page assuming it's mine....

hm, i find it a bit interesting i chose to write that on my blog. i probably biked 10 miles today, which is a lot for me to do in one day since i really don't have to go far to get anywhere where i live. i bought parts for my current bike, and looked at parts for the one i'm planning on building, if i ever get around to it. since the roommate is moving out, i'll start on it in august. plan to finish it in two weeks, thats if i get my shit together. which i probably wont. but i honestly dont mind if it takes me months as long as i know its the bike i completely want. plus, the longer this is taking the more effort i'll probably put into it. i decided i'd really love to use cork bar tape... silver wheels, pale, brownish yellow frame, silver handlebar.

please excuse the abundance of things to say. i am firstly not tired and second under the influence. plus my friends just left and i really just need to talk right now.

i'm very much interested in you but i don't really know what to think. things about that sentence: it's about more than one you's. albeit two you's, but still. but really. how much longer till some sense is made out of everything. i feel clouded. shrouded in thought. constant back and forth of what i want. i'm not at all unhappy. just unsure. a bit unsteady with what i want to do with myself. for some reason i feel like i've been placed this excellent chance to just move on with myself and take myself somewhere (move) or find another, cheaper, more sensical way to do something else with myself. i've already considered changing my major, my school, my things of interest, my friends... you see what i'm saying? i feel like i just did this, 7 or 8 months ago. change. i'm not really ready to go through this complete overhaul again.

because, for 6 months, i was so completely happy with myself. and now, it's over, and although i'm still happy with myself, i know i can do so much more to allow myself to be much happier. alone, although i keep surrounding myself.

i'm plagued by the what if.

i really never, ever say this much. please excuse this post, and if you read it and think i'm not stupid please tell me.

Sure, you've got a handle on the past
It's why you keep your little lovers in your lap
Give a little more than you like
Pick apart the past, you're not going back
So don't you waste your time

snow would be appropriate

i realized last night that i seem to be the girl you date when you quit smoking.

thigns that are going on right now

thinking back.

i left a comment on my roommates facebook saying "act happy around me" because the other day i was locked out and he had to come by and let me in and he didnt say a word to me, barely. and acted very short. so, i guess thats why id say that

i got really wasted with my coworkders tonight and i shotgunned my manager. yeah, that;s right. and when i reacted, he was like "its not like it was a rim job or anything" or something to that manner. emily and this girl i met carlita kept telling me that i was so funny, and told me to ignore them watching me. i kept making inappropraite jokes and alluding to the fact my phone says "stop thinking about sex."


and whats funny is that is totally, completely, 100% true.
i need to stop thinking about sex.

intense soul searching

i need to give up my east coast shit. i should just turn left and head west.

bear temple

I saw Sonic Youth last night. Anti-Orgasm has to be my favorite song at the moment.




It's weird. I really want you. But I never see you. And despite my distractions I still can't help but want you. You know.
You're just something I'm more interested in at the moment. I kind of see us just hanging out more than anything but even that is enough for me. Not really looking for anything past that at the moment but at the same time I'm completely satisfied that I've found something close to that.
I'm in my own world. I guess you are too. That works.

breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

i'll sort through these experiences and make sense out of them eventually.

for now i'll try to recap my night to my closest friends but even they can't help me make sense out of it.

and i almost feel like i want to forget it happened. then again i know it wasn't really anything.

but sense should be made, and i won't let myself be the one to figure it out. i think it's his turn.

acid

seriously all i've been listening to the past couple days.

my horoscope

in creative loafing this week said that my july would be magical. or something of that sort.

who doesn't want that? for now, all i'll ask for is some adequate privacy. my room might be adjacent to yours, but that does not entitle you to mouth about what goes on in it to whoever you feel should know.

anyway, i'll just keep on humming under my breath. right now i think born ruffians suits every mood i've ever been in the last two weeks.

an update, i think my mother is all too proud. i talked to her today and just, well, talked, and i've never realized how much of a friend my mother can be. seriously. i never, ever, imagined that i would be able to discuss dick size with my mother. but i digress. i'm far too much like her in a handful of ways. maybe it's not an all that bad thing.

i couldn't have asked for anything better

what does it mean, moving on? i'm pretty sure i've either figured it out, or i've somehow managed to create my own little version of the sort.

i have not talked to him in almost a week, purely because most of me has no inclination to do so. i guess the only thing at this point that bothers me is that he could possibly have not hurt as much as i did.

but then i realize, after much thought, and maybe thought that shouldn't be thought out, that i'm almost happy with things right now.

brandon said i shouldn't analyze things but i think that's just a part of me i can't deny. i will always analyze my situation. i mean, obviously, what am i doing now?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i do like someone else. he's new. i can't stop realizing how soon this all is. but, i guess part of me just wants to have fun. so i guess i'm having fun with him?

in the past two days ive surprised myself completely. a complete other side of me i guess i like to either repress or just ignore came out. i know i should keep this all a secret, but i'm yearning to just talk to someone about it so they can tell me how crazy i'm actually acting. or maybe they can just tell me that it's not really that crazy at all.

because, thinking about it, what happened sunday was probably just out of. well. spite. my own bitter contempt that i had after saturday. which, was shitty, but completely overshadowed by non-shitty things. but anyway. my actions were not those which i would ever, ever do. minus the fact that i did it. and minus the fact that well, i sort of wanted to do it anyways. hence the reason why it happened. still, i let my sanity take place again a minute into my debauchery (which, obviously means i stopped i from going anywhere) that i really, honestly don't think that it counts. and really, it's not even a big deal after all, now that i think about it. moving on.

and monday is a completely different story. i stayed up till sunrise talking to someone new. maybe initiating something in the process. and i have to say that i'm interested. very much so.

but then again, the only reason why i want to consider these acts crazy is because i'm still in love with him, and even though i know at this rate it will wear off, i don't want it to.

and just so you know

i don't know what i expect to do with myself.

i'm just so fucking upset. i want to puke. i'm going to.

A Few things i've been feeling

Few, but varied i'd say.

just a Few.

but i'd never thought that i'd feel this way, about everything, and so unsure. why? i don't really understand. i was so happy. now i just don't know what to be.

it was like a drug experience at animal collective. and i wasn't on drugs. well, technically but i see past them being any big deal. but anyway, black dice has a really nice live show, even if you don't like their music. and of course animal collective was amazing. the light show went with the cover of mpp, or so that was my interpretation.

i almost hate the people who come in for trivia. but then i love some other people. so it's a fifty fifty and i guess i still haven't decided so i wonder why i even mention this.

although it goes with the fact i am desperate for prospects of a second job. not like i'm going to lose mine, just, kind of, you know, looking to actually make money this summer.

oh well. things will figure themselves out. i've decided i'm going to order some chains on the internet and start something else to occupy my time with.

i think i realized last night how scared i am that i might lose you. because, i wasn't before, maybe because i hadn't thought about it. but, once it was brought to my attention, all i could focus on was the lump in my throat. and the panic i was feeling. it was overwhelming.

and i think i'm more in love with you than ever. i think you mean it too.

Floating on a river alongside... I guess I might as well say it, White Trash really makes you think. Because of course, you're sort of helpless, in the sense that you're just floating, and although you can try to zone out by staring up at the trees or closing your eyes you'll always hear someone yelling 'Oh shit' about a small splash or you'll just float into a family. So you're sort of forced to think to yourself to maintain your own sanity, since you've lost your friends into the flow of the river.

But anyway, knowing that I've spent over a hundred dollars this week, and knowing that I will probably spend that much more next week, doesn't have me worried at all. Because everything seems sort of figured out. I'm having the best time of my life, I guess.

Animal Collective in Oxford, Mississippi this weekend. So fucking excited.

happy.

i can't help but love this

Belle & Sebastian - Beautiful

I think I'd rather swallow it whole than spit it up. And when I feel it coming up, I send it back down with a glass of water.

And by swallowing it whole, I mean denying it. And by spitting it up, I mean talking about it. And my only method it seems to send it back down, is not with a glass of water but instead with every means possible to allow my mind to trail elsewhere. It's undeniable how much you can forget things when you're drunk, working, sleeping, stoned, eating, kissing, and maybe there's more but that's not the point.

(it finally hit me the other night.
i couldn't think. i just walked off. i didn't understand what I was doing, or why. and I heard you running towards me. and then you grabbed me, held me, i cried a little at first, but the harder you held on to me the harder i started to cry.

you asked, but i couldn't spit it up. all i could manage to say was that it was 'family stuff' and even that was hard for me to admit. family. tangled and mangled. or so it seems in my head. but you helped me swallow it back down.

you.)

i think it was in the dark when i realized it. when you came over to my house, late at night, just to sleep next to me. maybe it was before then, steps ahead, hours and days and conversations before this. or every night you've spent with me. when i wake up before you, and i get to look over next to you. or maybe when you wake up before me, slightly before me, and you'll always grab my hand and kiss it. and every other little instance of affection. how do you know always what i want?

and i think the more i think about it and put it all into perspective is when i realize it even more. i feel so much towards you yet i never really stopped to think about it.

the only thing is, i dont know yet how to tell you. should i, even?

oops, i apologize

although you slightly irritated me today

I still want more..

seventy bucks richer

but today has literally kicked my ass. So, there was this Hip Hop convention, or whatever the fuck you call it, and my work was packed at the most awkward hour. Being that at that time, we only had three or so servers, and, well, people kept walking in, and seating themselves, service stalled and therefore it reflected on my performance. Or. Serving. Whatever. Either way, I worked an extra hour, and came into contact with the most rude and seemingly unhappy group of grown (in every aspect, if you know what I mean) men who apparently also lacked common courtesy of tipping appropriately (no, FUCK no would I ever listen to your shitty demo)

Speaking of, I left over 30+ demo cd's at work. I'm not even kidding. Maybe even more. Dem Flo, Ruff Slack, Yung Rill, I made all of those up but you get the idea. Atlanta, you are ridiculous.

Anyway. By 5:30 I closed my last table and got out, waited FOREVER for Marta (so gracious I will be biking from next week on) came home, and passed the fuck out. Literally. I just woke up. Well, thirty minutes ago. I know I wasted my Saturday but I honestly need this time. I keep telling myself I need to be stressed out, because, well, I have so much shit to do, being:
1. Pack
2. Clean
3. Reading responses
4. Finals
5. Study for finals
6. Work
7. Move out
8. Move in
9. Other Misc.
And as you can tell, I didn't even take the time to organize that list. Either way, how is it that I've been trolling eBay for the past thirty minutes and NOT starting on my schoolwork?

I'm almost at 3 weeks of ~meat sobriety~

okay, humor me for a second

but for some reason I decided to type in "nude women" and "vintage pinup" on eBay. I guess I had this idea to make a new collage-type deal on my wall with vintage photos (instead of my disposable ones, I'm going to buy a photo box for those) and wouldn't you prefer to have nude ladies adorning your walls anyway? Plus, I bought some frames from Ikea and I've been wondering what the hell I'm going to do with them, anyway..Seller's description of above photo: "Nice puffy nips!" Bid on it here (but you will enter into a fierce bidding war as I am going to be the one to win it)