perspective

BEACH HOUSE - GILA from Jon Leone on Vimeo.

politely brainfucked. it's so cruel things had to turn out this way. i'm still the same person yet i feel this looming sense of change that is unnatural to me. in the sense that i feel i've already changed so much this year and how could i possibly change even more?

something i just noticed: whenever i'm on someone else's facebook page, i realize that i frequently try to remove the 'recent activity' from their page assuming it's mine....

hm, i find it a bit interesting i chose to write that on my blog. i probably biked 10 miles today, which is a lot for me to do in one day since i really don't have to go far to get anywhere where i live. i bought parts for my current bike, and looked at parts for the one i'm planning on building, if i ever get around to it. since the roommate is moving out, i'll start on it in august. plan to finish it in two weeks, thats if i get my shit together. which i probably wont. but i honestly dont mind if it takes me months as long as i know its the bike i completely want. plus, the longer this is taking the more effort i'll probably put into it. i decided i'd really love to use cork bar tape... silver wheels, pale, brownish yellow frame, silver handlebar.

please excuse the abundance of things to say. i am firstly not tired and second under the influence. plus my friends just left and i really just need to talk right now.

i'm very much interested in you but i don't really know what to think. things about that sentence: it's about more than one you's. albeit two you's, but still. but really. how much longer till some sense is made out of everything. i feel clouded. shrouded in thought. constant back and forth of what i want. i'm not at all unhappy. just unsure. a bit unsteady with what i want to do with myself. for some reason i feel like i've been placed this excellent chance to just move on with myself and take myself somewhere (move) or find another, cheaper, more sensical way to do something else with myself. i've already considered changing my major, my school, my things of interest, my friends... you see what i'm saying? i feel like i just did this, 7 or 8 months ago. change. i'm not really ready to go through this complete overhaul again.

because, for 6 months, i was so completely happy with myself. and now, it's over, and although i'm still happy with myself, i know i can do so much more to allow myself to be much happier. alone, although i keep surrounding myself.

i'm plagued by the what if.

i really never, ever say this much. please excuse this post, and if you read it and think i'm not stupid please tell me.

Sure, you've got a handle on the past
It's why you keep your little lovers in your lap
Give a little more than you like
Pick apart the past, you're not going back
So don't you waste your time