march 20th

something you might not know about me is that i'm very susceptible to mood swings. ever since i've started working, im always tired, always stressed, and i never seem to have the time to do anything. and everything gets overwhelming and this feeling inside my chest seems to pulsate and my feet can't press hard enough on the gas and i feel like i'm going to run off the road. its that sort of anxiety. constant back of my head, constant rethinking, and i dont even tell people this. not even my boyfriend, or any sort of my best friend, or my parents. and this is something ive always struggled with, this internal conflict my anxiety creates for me, but i always have that attitude that its not a big deal. come vacation time im tranquil, happy, regular me. high strung is a word i would not use to describe myself, but march 20th, with about 30 or 40 or so days until i graduate i feel the pressure and the weight of all thats happening. like today, i woke up early to finish this lab... e-mailed it in, he didnt get it.. the whole fucking day i worry about this lab. and what it's going to do to my grade. this year, for some reason, i give four shits for my grades when honestly i've always been the one to say 'its only a grade.' because really, big fucking deal, i get honor roll my senior year? why is this something i need to have. why am i putting myself into so much stress. and plans. i make them all in my head. i calculate how much time it will take. it all fits nicely inside my head, but when it comes to the actual execution of these plans i either 1) forget about them, and do something else or 2) im forced to deal with something else. this causes me a GREAT fucking amount of stress, when something doesnt go as planned i'll worry about it for the rest of the day. classic example, i went shopping with my boyfriend and found this really, really adorable dkny summer dress on sale. didnt buy it then, came back in an hour and it was gone... and the rest of the day i had this feeling like i had to have that dress. how silly though, just a dress right? magnify times whatever serious situation that goes down that doesnt work out right. then you might understand. constant.. constant. i'm happy, dont get me wrong, i just need to breathe.