2009

This year's been short and already I have a lot to show for it. Or growth to absorb. Or maybe just a mixture of it all. Maybe I'm not really ready to talk about it all.

All in all no one can really understand except for those involved and myself. Maybe moreso myself. Maybe I'm completely alone in this. But it's beginning to change. I didn't fuck up, I didn't screw up, I didn't mis-step. I was completely aware of everything I've done this past month, more then I have ever been with myself. If I were to explain it, I'd say simply 'moving on.'

It might sound too simple, because it is. But, honestly, there's no easy way you can tell someone who you love that it's not working. And it hasn't been working. And I'm hurting the both of us more by pushing it too hard. That's the truth. It was probably the hardest thing I ever came to terms with, admitting that I was putting up some facade to pacify the things inside of me.. In reality, I was in denial that I was no longer who I always thought I was. Which was someone who was optimistic to the point of it being an actual fault, but I still appreciated it. I couldn't laugh at myself like I was once able to. I fucking found myself shutting myself in my room, doing nothing, but sitting, and thinking, and when I finally listened to my thoughts I realized I was no one I liked. One night I went down to the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes, and smoked the whole pack throughout the night. I never smoke cigarettes. Ever. Somehow it only made sense to do something like that. After that I did more thinking. I made calls. I organized. I drove myself crazy. This would continue throughout that time span. I really didn't have anyone to talk to, because at that point, those that I once thought were close to me, were far away. I needed someone to talk to, but no one was available. Everyone was shut out, concerned with their own lives. But I can't blame them, and I don't.

The only stability in my life was the one who I had loved for over a year. He was there for me, and he was once everything to me. It's not "confusion" when you find yourself retreating to the only one that might possibly make you feel like yourself again. I, rather, considered it the only thing that made sense at that point. So, I'd jockey between my emotions of feeling secure and normal-when I was with him, along with feeling crazy and unstable while alone, even at times by his side. I was never able to find a balance during that time. No matter how long he comforted me, or how many laughs we shared, or how many times we told each other that we loved each other, I'd still return to the fold. I'd still find myself in that place. When he wasn't there, it wasn't any different. He knew this. He was aware.

At the same time, while writing this, I'm leaving so much out. Because a major part of all of this unstability was because of something I discovered that I still haven't come to terms with. And maybe I won't. I get it, those sorts of things happen, but I never imagined when it happened to me and my family, that it would fuck me over so good. Just the way I found out. And the conditions which follow. And the thought of the future which burns through my fucking throat. He is now aware of this, too.

Once everything boiled over, it made sense. Maybe not 'sense' exactly, but it was made into something. Maybe this didn't come out the way I planned, or the way it should have came out, but it came out. It was going to come out. I couldn't stop it from coming out, neither could anyone I have met actually facilitate it. Truth is, it began before any of that. With all of that said, 'moving on' is the only rational way out of this fucking mess I found myself. This new year, although I started off feeling entirely fucked, opened four doors which led to four more doors and so on... Open arms and actual people. Fresh air and plans to take part in it. I'm no longer trapped at school, or trapped in this city, with no one to share my time with. I'm concerned with my life, but mostly to get it back on track. I see no problem with it. It's only human nature.

And... I can't say I'm the same person I was. But then again I am. Once you meet new people, and you reveal yourselves to them, you realize how packaged you almost are. Then the relationship builds and you see some new sort of design on that package. A new take. Maybe a new shape.

Either way, those which I once considered to be my close friends, I hope one day can become close again, if they choose. I'm open to it, and I'd prefer it, but I'm not going to continue to try when the other chooses not to. It's just not fair to me. I'm not giving up, I'm just tired of it. Even though I'm surrounding myself with other people does not mean I miss those friends. I miss them entirely.

So, I guess I've started something new amongst all of this. It's a good feeling. I wouldn't have expected this, really. Either way, it's exactly what you said.

Like my macroeconomics teacher says.... I love you all.... and go watch Welsh corgi puppies on youtube you'll luv all too.