twenty things to twenty something people

one. i know people start these out with their boyfriends, or their best friends, (i mean, even though they are anonymous its completely obvious,) but i'm going to start off with you. you've been there for me more this past year than the last few years. i think you started to slide out of my life back in middle school, and then i shut you out. i could never understand you. i still cant. im your own flesh and blood, and i cant understand you still. eighteen years, and theres that constant, "shes still someone i might not know." but i like that. i think everything you are, i am in some ways, as well. i am the collective conscious, you know, carl jung? the best part about you is your insanity. i love you.

two. hm, you made your way into my life, didnt you? i cant believe it either. you werent someone id casually fall for. you werent even someone i thought id love. and youre everything i need right now. everything i could ask for. everything i do ask for. im sorry if it feels like theres a time frame. im sorry about the ambiguousness of whats going to happen in the rest of the months. what really makes me love you is how much you've changed me. i told you this once in the car, casually, and i did that thing i do that passes it off as any old thing. i just want you to know i meant that, i meant all of that. whichever time you're thinking of, because im sure there are plenty, i meant all of that. you've shaped me into someone i find even sexier and better each day and i love you. call that selfish, but i hope i've shaped you as well. in many ways, i can tell i have. slowly but surely... no matter what happens, ill always have you to thank you for it.

three. you're only three because the last few days ive been thinking about you. i dont know why, its utterly ridiculous since you dont pay me the least bit time of day. anyway, since i've become involved with another guy, ive thought about how i treated you. how i said i loved you, but nothing i did equated to that. who the fuck was i. someone who didnt care. and i never cared to even reflect on it. some odd years later, i do. isnt that odd? look at the effect you had upon me. maybe i loved you after all. i think i did. sorry...

four. you know, i'm proud of you in every way possible. i've been with you throughout every sort of typical middle school/high school endeavor and i love that you say im the only one that truly knows you. because you know, you're probably the only one that truly knows me. isnt that funny? you're so sarcastic and you're SO immature and i try to relish that as much as possible. i hope you know sometimes the actions you take hurt me. not like they're directed towards me or anything, its just, it hurts to see you make such fucking stupid decisions about girls. listen to me. i know you inside out. you're better than every girl you've been with since me, sorryyy.... anyway reading this i have no idea where this is going, since i havent talked to you in ages it seems? whats up with that best friend? i love you.

five. former best friend? i dont want to call you that. friend? yes, someone i want to remain friends with. sometimes i know deep inside you're hiding something from me, but that doesnt bother me anymore. i wish the best for you, only the best, and if you ever want i can take you out and we can dip in optimism. really, we were good for each other back then. i miss you, i miss you a lot. please dont lose touch. just because you live in your own world, doesnt mean i cant peak inside every now and then. i love you.

six. well hello. you know how many times ive said 'thank god we're not typical girls and we dont hate each other'??? well, i'm going to say it again. because honestly you've become one of my best friends this past year and thank god for our non-typical actions we took a couple years ago. reallyyyy. this year and everything we did together made more sense in my life if that makes any sense, minus a few fucking crazies in the way. we're stuck in that 'sea of lies' or whatever you referred to it but its hilarious. im kind of glad i can be blunt and joke and sarcastic and all of the above with you, because when im living next to you i cant wait to be blunt and joke more. thank god for real men, road trips, and all boys colleges? haha, no thanks for crazy fucks who lie like crazy. more can be said about you but you know, it would probably turn into like, a glorification of you. threesome?

seven. haha ok but like, what?! WHAT. are you serious. do you think we're all stupid.

eight. yoouuuu. your laugh is infectious. i love your attitude, personality, its infectious. so many thanks to the past summer spent with you, you're fun. and you being my hairstylist? ah, so many more thanks. please dye it blonder. not so blonde though. you know what i say. and god. only girl i can literally dish all out with. about this and that. sometimes pete nags on me about it, and says we're mouthers or mouth tots? mouth yupps? i dont even know, some stupid nick name he gives people but ah you know what. we're perfectly understandable. love youu. (sorry im loud. i get it from my mom.)

more later? more..

i have a lot of things to say

and i tried to get onto each subject. i havent had the time to say anything about myself, or whats going on lately, because i havent even had time to really sit like this and reflect on it.

i'll say it all later

when things dont work out as planned, its great to know my optimistic outlook on life really comes in handy. things will be ok.

march 20th

something you might not know about me is that i'm very susceptible to mood swings. ever since i've started working, im always tired, always stressed, and i never seem to have the time to do anything. and everything gets overwhelming and this feeling inside my chest seems to pulsate and my feet can't press hard enough on the gas and i feel like i'm going to run off the road. its that sort of anxiety. constant back of my head, constant rethinking, and i dont even tell people this. not even my boyfriend, or any sort of my best friend, or my parents. and this is something ive always struggled with, this internal conflict my anxiety creates for me, but i always have that attitude that its not a big deal. come vacation time im tranquil, happy, regular me. high strung is a word i would not use to describe myself, but march 20th, with about 30 or 40 or so days until i graduate i feel the pressure and the weight of all thats happening. like today, i woke up early to finish this lab... e-mailed it in, he didnt get it.. the whole fucking day i worry about this lab. and what it's going to do to my grade. this year, for some reason, i give four shits for my grades when honestly i've always been the one to say 'its only a grade.' because really, big fucking deal, i get honor roll my senior year? why is this something i need to have. why am i putting myself into so much stress. and plans. i make them all in my head. i calculate how much time it will take. it all fits nicely inside my head, but when it comes to the actual execution of these plans i either 1) forget about them, and do something else or 2) im forced to deal with something else. this causes me a GREAT fucking amount of stress, when something doesnt go as planned i'll worry about it for the rest of the day. classic example, i went shopping with my boyfriend and found this really, really adorable dkny summer dress on sale. didnt buy it then, came back in an hour and it was gone... and the rest of the day i had this feeling like i had to have that dress. how silly though, just a dress right? magnify times whatever serious situation that goes down that doesnt work out right. then you might understand. constant.. constant. i'm happy, dont get me wrong, i just need to breathe.

i just dont know what to do with myself...

for those of you who dont know, i turned 18 thursday. and you only turn 18 once, along with any other birthday, but society marks this as the start of your adulthood. in a way, they're completely right. i am an adult now. but theres plenty of mixed feelings ive experienced. first, ive always felt like the youngest. i mean, ive always had friends both younger and older than me but it was always like i had some catching up to do. ive realized thats not so the case anymore. also, i'm really of the authority to purchase porn? how exciting. but blah blah blah. oh the places i'll go and good dreams will come my way... i'm totally overwhelmed...

other updates: got into georgia state, working at mellow mushroom, owner of a pair of timeless sunglasses, love my friends, love thy neighbor, nine months with my boyfriend, school... a few months till i graduate. sometimes as life runs its course you have to really observe the picture, and see it for all its worth. this is really happening, this is really happening. i made a playlist yesterday called "jeune fille," young girl, and thats just something id do when i feel that way. i'm still young girl, but everything is passing by and aging like it should. i still feel the same.

on another note, i found this channel that plays all that re-runs. how exciting.

several things

truth... i'm so happy with my life. each day i'm more and more unappreciative of my current state. definitely. i'll go to bed regretting the way i treated this person, or that person, because honestly all they deserve is 'thank you' and every indication of my compassion towards them. hm. the two years i've spent here really turned me into someone i respect, someone who i've always knew i could be.. anyway, why i'm saying all of this.

a week ago isabelle, a very good, old friend from virginia came to atlanta and i got to visit. we made plans to hang out, and once i got off the phone with her i found myself on the verge of tears. like, not even happy tears. tears void of emotion. it was the weirdest thing i've ever had happen to me. i wonder how i sound admitting this. anyway, i tried to explain to pete that i've finally realized that... i actually live here. what i meant was, having her, here, seeing me in my environment with a bunch of friends really solidified the fact that i no longer am who i was back in virginia. i've totally changed. it felt as if, i could honestly be myself around someone from there. if that doesnt make any sense, basically every time i visit there i always found myself in some alter-experience. like, i had been detached from some place, but time froze there, and id be back to 2005 still the same person. it's weird, that feeling. for some reason it was finally like thats not the case anymore. all it took was someone from my past coming down to see me in the present. it was so easy talking to her. like i couldnt stop. i was still aching to hear about how everyone was but it was great to know... its not so polarized anymore.

none of this makes sense i bet. its been some ongoing struggle, that never made any sense, but now it's evaporated and i feel so much older.

lie... 'i hate it here.'
that's so far from the truth.

something that has just annoyed me

when you go to washington dc, at least get the metro right... its not called the "midway" or the "subway."