i have arrived

dorm room. it looks like a terrible mess at the moment but i swear its really not. in my defense tonight might turn into laundry night so everything thrown around it in each what way is for that reason. also: i usually make my bed. this is really new to me. maybe its the duvet cover, as i usually just get white sheets to match my white comforter as a white mess is more aesthetically pleasing than a mess of sheets all different colors or shapes.

also proof im doing laundry tonight- jeans are on my desk?
yeah. really pleased with how this works. i eat really well, actually, and i can even afford soy milk. i even spent over 120 the other day and.... didnt really dent much into the funds. i know ive taken out over 7500 in loans (just my first semester, at that) but the anxiety that usually goes with such a debt hasnt hit me yet, i guess because im young and im dumb and i dont give a fuck? not. joke. i love my roommates, besides the fact one of them doesnt really socialize with me. i love alison, at that, and even though we see each other 24/7 shes aesthetically pleasing and easy to be around. so this is good. i cant say ive met too many people besides my roommate and a few of her friends? but getting people here has been easy. college life is something ive easily adapted to. but i miss my cat.

and thats kind of why i got around to this thing... because i really do miss my cat.

so

i should probably stop wasting my time filling out those ridiculous npdor surveys i get in the mail all the time. how the hell do i even think i could win money from those things? complete waste of time.

this friday i move to atlanta. its kind of crazy, because this monday i start college. does this sound bad? i cant help it.... but im really excited to have a trader joes so close to me.

and thats about all i can say right now. i wont be able to talk about it now, if not never. but its something i cant face yet and its something i cant believe. what can i expect. the statistics show nothing but a failure rate for those kinds of things but with these circumstances? i cant bear them. i used to feel the weight of my family drag me down. now that familiar feelings has showed up again. i pride myself in being optimistic but fuck. fuck. what do you expect from me with these kinds of things?

this is too much for me right now.

Someday, I will sail again,
To a distant shore, far away.

i dont really know what to say yet?

right now

i'm in this mess that i'd like to dig out of but i'm not sure if its going to be so easy. i only wish things could be easy, because they always become so tangled and complex. i can handle complex, but its complicated. and sometimes i find it so much easier to give up. i'm probably going through another one of those 'big steps' in your life right now but its been so camouflaged by the shit thats gone down.

either way.... i have a whole lot to say to you still, and i'm pretty sure it will remain unsaid. oh well. maybe its better that way.

im thinking of you harder

i love coming back

list

i have various things i need to take care of:
1. united didnt send me nor my father a confirmation email... although they deducted miles from my fathers account. i gotta check on that.
2. clean room?
3. clean fish tank
4. cancel order on pants. ugh. why did i order pants online? i never fit in pants. haha whatev
5. make more money.
6. july is vacation time. this is exciting.
7. loans for college
8. become friends with my roommates. (besides alison, of course)
9. place order for laptop.

oh god, so its already july and i have so many weeks until college. god. god god god.