first

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.
-Brooks

his name i honest to god don't remember but he was at the first party i ever went to during my adolescent life. and forgive me since it was seventh grade, but i dont remember much about that night. i never thought once of mentioning it, back when it was the event to mention it. someones death is always the event to one up recollections of the deceased friend, when youre in high school. but anyway, he was there drinking and i was there not, staring and watching people because i had that feeling that i didnt want to be there. and he wasnt cute at all, apparently he was eying someones girl, and then left. who knows the details. i dont. i just remember he had somewhat of a rattail. thats all i remember about seventh grade, these girls and boys' little physical details.

two years later hes dead. never have i ever thought someone that young could touch that many people, with his attitude and lack of respect for his life. he died in a car accident, induced by racing. this is sad, but this isnt uncommon. yet the aftermath of his death was so archetypal. maybe this is why i dont understand the christian faith. no one mentioned his reckless driving. no one mentioned his recklessness either. he was no saint, but does he deserve such recognition? if sin is so deadly, why do we condone the acts of it after its happened? those questions really hit me hard, and thats what i was thinking about after he died. and lately, the answer seems so clear.

im applying for scholarships and ive never felt so inadequate. im no saint and half of my life so far could be marked by careful irresponsibility. too much music. too much stimulation. only direction is the direction ive set in my head. on paper, i cant explain my thoughts. i cant address my craving to just... learn, travel, impact. i believe i have a lot more to offer than just the "extracurricular activities/community service" section of this application. ten thousand dollars. and i need to of aided my elderly, or fed the fish, who knows.

just like him.... i deserve this recognition. despite the fact i havent died yet, i need it in a different form. the next year is a trial and i better come out smiling.