ripe

"take careful notice; for if you mix the fruit in before it is ripened, it will cause the milk to curdle."

hmm... today i woke up, told myself, 'im going to read thirty pages,' and i did. set a few plans into motion, and i drank some coffee with amaretto. now its an hour past noon, im a tad cold, and last nights discussion has set me in an awful state. so hard to believe that someone can go through their daily activities while having something like that etched in the back of your mind.

its not you, its not you at all. and how typical... but its honestly me. i never got the chance to fully understand what happened. months ive gone through not saying anything; months i went through trying not to believe it. a friendship i dearly cared for was in shreds, and i was not about to ruin it to pieces. i dont think she could ever provide me any explanation that would satisfy me, and i could never explain to her just how much it hurt me in the long run. i dont appreciate being lied to, at all. months i was fed lies. months, however, i never tried to once challenge these. i thought, why set this off already? we're too deep into this alter situation to really go back to the truth. finding out what happened between you two was just icing on the cake. i tried to tell myself i was just as capable of the same, but its a different story. i tried to tell myself she would never, ever understand, and thats where my rational came from. i apologize so much for thinking so hard into this, but you've shaped a part of me, whether you like it or not. going through each day, joking with you, will help me get over it. i dont need an explanation anymore, not after last night. you're someone who's really figured things out, and i respect how nothing can phase you. <3>.

with that said, the course of last year was spent setting things in a little envelope tucked inside the folds of my brain. whatever i wanted to say was left to age, to mature, maybe to the point where it wasn't at all relevant to today's standings. i really hope i can get over those things like that. i know, for certain, if i am to ever challenge how things are with questions about the past, this situation will probably curdle; spoil; sour. circular reasoning never sounded so apropos.