Friday, November 23, 2007

"she just got back from her facial"

if theres something i know... its that people really dont care about what you dreamed of last night. oh well, here you go...

theres more to it, but all that matters starts here. im with sara from my physics class and my friend emily williams... emily told me i had to come with them "to the spot" but they weren't sure how to get there. so we drive around aimlessly, she calls her friends asking where to go... when eventually we get to this dirt road. and from there, we're told to walk. by now its really dark outside and the only light we have to use is the moonlight. im getting really nervous, but i dont say anything. we walk until we get to this weird clearing, thats marked by garden steps. you have to walk up this huge incline, they said. so we did, and we get there, and we see this old community center that still looks nice but apparently is in the middle of no where. SO many people are there... then they all start interrogating me. i look over, and i notice the place is actually a drug dealing place.. emily's talking with this guy and they're exchanging packages. so im pissed, looking around really nervous... when i notice theres a light on in the shed. and i notice bill clinton in there.. and he's cleaning up some fall leaves. so im like, oh god, heres my chance.. i call him over, and ask everyone to take a picture. he keeps saying "im in a bad state, if you dont mind i look this way." and all of a sudden like, thirty people take out their cameras and all i can think about is, "you'll facebook this, right?"

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

anniversary

real quick- im really, really thankful for you. through all of your whining and "dissatisfactions" you put me through.... i never thought i could spend so much time with someone and not get bored. thanks for being someone i really needed. thanks for watching me squirm. my feet miss your feet, and my dad said "congrats" to me this morning. i want to meet your dad, will you take me? i love you.

ripe


"take careful notice; for if you mix the fruit in before it is ripened, it will cause the milk to curdle."

hmm... today i woke up, told myself, 'im going to read thirty pages,' and i did. set a few plans into motion, and i drank some coffee with amaretto. now its an hour past noon, im a tad cold, and last nights discussion has set me in an awful state. so hard to believe that someone can go through their daily activities while having something like that etched in the back of your mind.

its not you, its not you at all. and how typical... but its honestly me. i never got the chance to fully understand what happened. months ive gone through not saying anything; months i went through trying not to believe it. a friendship i dearly cared for was in shreds, and i was not about to ruin it to pieces. i dont think she could ever provide me any explanation that would satisfy me, and i could never explain to her just how much it hurt me in the long run. i dont appreciate being lied to, at all. months i was fed lies. months, however, i never tried to once challenge these. i thought, why set this off already? we're too deep into this alter situation to really go back to the truth. finding out what happened between you two was just icing on the cake. i tried to tell myself i was just as capable of the same, but its a different story. i tried to tell myself she would never, ever understand, and thats where my rational came from. i apologize so much for thinking so hard into this, but you've shaped a part of me, whether you like it or not. going through each day, joking with you, will help me get over it. i dont need an explanation anymore, not after last night. you're someone who's really figured things out, and i respect how nothing can phase you. <3>.

with that said, the course of last year was spent setting things in a little envelope tucked inside the folds of my brain. whatever i wanted to say was left to age, to mature, maybe to the point where it wasn't at all relevant to today's standings. i really hope i can get over those things like that. i know, for certain, if i am to ever challenge how things are with questions about the past, this situation will probably curdle; spoil; sour. circular reasoning never sounded so apropos.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

superimposition

so theres this strong attraction i have towards this man. no idea. his speech is just entirely admirable itself. one word and im drawn to the man. he's fifteen years older [than this picture] but i cant stop feeling so... allured and enamored.

first off, he's shirtless. now go ahead and attack me for being 'typical' and whatever else you may see, but honestly? he's an attractive man besides everything else. and when you look as if you just got out of a clean, hot shower on a daily basis seventeen year olds like me are going to notice.

and before i get out of hand... what i really mean.
secondly, he's no typical celebrity. he's appreciated like one, but not adored by many. he's like my own personal celebrity, so to speak, crush. no wait, he's not a celebrity in my eyes... he's more like typical world leader. what he's doing is beyond admirable to me, and maybe thats where my attraction begins.

and now that we're on that subject, excuse my french (suspect the sarcasm?) but damn do our world leaders and revolutionaries look good.

for one... nelson mandela? i see him more than our worlds most famous prisoner. his image stands for something... moral integrity. you know what i mean by image? their faces... what they stand for... its pretty enamoring if i say so myself. we're all capable of that universal recognition.

more photos for the bank (names included)

Margaret Sanger, major player in the female liberation movement. haha



Jacques Chirac, former French president.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

top ten

first few ten of the jewels ive discovered throughout my life.

10. to make this not so materialistic, i'll start off with vienna, virginia. if you're from there, you know what i mean. and this may have a negative or positive connotation once you read this... but to each his own. to me, i left a part of me there. its my little hiding spot i like to find myself back at, from time to time, or more accurately, every six months.

09. wes anderson movies. and i can thank a certain ex-boyfriend for this. is it me, or do they all end slow motion? thats how everything should end...

08. my music collection

07. dystopian novels and films.

06. airplanes, trains, cars, travel itself

05. karl lagerfeld

04. j brand jeans. thank god for size 23

03. the boyfriend

02. my bed; clean sheets that smell like lavender, or maybe vanilla; silk sheets; linen itself

01. as of now... dove miniatures.... the cherry flavor

Monday, November 5, 2007

eat it

p: (yawn) umm....... i like your pants
a: what else
p: they fit you very nicely. you dont have like, any shred of lovehandle at all.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

first

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.
-Brooks

his name i honest to god don't remember but he was at the first party i ever went to during my adolescent life. and forgive me since it was seventh grade, but i dont remember much about that night. i never thought once of mentioning it, back when it was the event to mention it. someones death is always the event to one up recollections of the deceased friend, when youre in high school. but anyway, he was there drinking and i was there not, staring and watching people because i had that feeling that i didnt want to be there. and he wasnt cute at all, apparently he was eying someones girl, and then left. who knows the details. i dont. i just remember he had somewhat of a rattail. thats all i remember about seventh grade, these girls and boys' little physical details.

two years later hes dead. never have i ever thought someone that young could touch that many people, with his attitude and lack of respect for his life. he died in a car accident, induced by racing. this is sad, but this isnt uncommon. yet the aftermath of his death was so archetypal. maybe this is why i dont understand the christian faith. no one mentioned his reckless driving. no one mentioned his recklessness either. he was no saint, but does he deserve such recognition? if sin is so deadly, why do we condone the acts of it after its happened? those questions really hit me hard, and thats what i was thinking about after he died. and lately, the answer seems so clear.

im applying for scholarships and ive never felt so inadequate. im no saint and half of my life so far could be marked by careful irresponsibility. too much music. too much stimulation. only direction is the direction ive set in my head. on paper, i cant explain my thoughts. i cant address my craving to just... learn, travel, impact. i believe i have a lot more to offer than just the "extracurricular activities/community service" section of this application. ten thousand dollars. and i need to of aided my elderly, or fed the fish, who knows.

just like him.... i deserve this recognition. despite the fact i havent died yet, i need it in a different form. the next year is a trial and i better come out smiling.