i can't sleep ; things on my mind

A four-year-old girl is wowing the New York art world with paintings that are drawing comparisons with Jackson Pollock and Wassily Kandinsky.

what's wrong? i'm annoyed. i feel pushed to the backseat. literally. i'm not crazy, i just feel insecure. i appreciate it, but then again i don't want this to backfire. it's good to be friends, but you're losing my patience in the process. i won't be backseated after being there through it all.

Now it's day and I've been trying to get that taste off my tongue
I was dreaming of just you, now our cereal, it is warm
Attractive day in the rubble of the night from before
Now I can't walk in a vacuum, I feel ugly, feel my pores
It's the trees of this day that I do battle with for the light
Then I start to feel tragic, people greet me, I'm polite
"What's the day?" "Whats you doing?"
"How's your mood?" "How's that song?"
Man it passes right by me, it's behind me, now it's gone
And I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired
It's family beaches that I desire
A sacred night, where we'll watch the fireworks
The frightened babies poo
They've got two flashing eyes and they're colored why
They make me feel that I'm only all I see sometimes.

I've been eating with a good friend who said
"A Genii made me out of the earth's skin"
But in spite of her she is my birth kin, she spits me out in her surely blood rivers
All the people life lurking in dominions of a hot Turk dish
If elephants are reaching for our purses, then meet me after the world with the shivers.

"What's the day?" "Whats you doing?"
"How's your food?" "How's that song?"
Man it passes right by me it's behind me, now it's gone
I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired, it's family beaches that I desire
That sacred night where we watched the fireworks
They frightened the babies and you know they've got two flashing eyes
And if they are color blind, they make me feel, that you're only what I see sometimes.

So my calender is about to clear up

I'm going to continue being a red-head. I like it. I want to be able to say, "I'm a red-head" rather than "I'm not quite sure what you could say my hair color is.." Get myself back on track. I'm going to start posting playlists.

i come here

and i plan on updating, but i have no aspiration to write anything.

disco school girl

wsup

after a year and a half

i've lost you.

as of october 20

I dont want to rethink, redo, or regret any of the decisions I made this weekend.

I can not think of anything to write about for my Race in Atlanta class. I do, however, find blackface sort of offensive.

Dear Alex,

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It's funny how my stupid subscriptions to receive Astrology.com emails tend to reflect what's going on with me just at this moment. Fuck.

I really, really dont know what to do. I don't understand what you're looking for. You're over analyzing everything. Let's not do this to each other. I love you, so much, I dont want us to begin to hate each other.

Since you've had sex three times today, girl next to me...

I'm going to have to say something about this.

The first time it sounded painful. I heard banging against the wall and the cries of pain indicated it was going a bit rough. Maybe that's what your into? It was obviously what the guy was into. I heard him enjoying it. I wonder why I kept hearing a "shh" noise. Maybe he was trying to shut you up. Maybe it was because I started playing my music really loud, and maybe he felt a bit embarrassed.

The second time it sounded routine. Really, I'm used to you having sex by now. I hear some rustling, that oddly always involves someone hitting the wall, then your moans.

And this third time, which I think just ended and I'm sure you guys are either smoking a cigarette or getting ready to take a shower. You must of just had your first orgasm in your life, or something. You were fucking VOCAL. You kept repeating "Oh my God" as if you've either a. witnessed something amazing or b. had your first orgasm. B seems probable, but A could also play into it as well. You were really enjoying it.

What's funny is I'm completely jealous. I want my own thrill that makes me as encompassed as you were. You are all over the place enjoying yourself and I am here blogging about it. Really, it's cool. Hopefully one day my cries of pleasure reach your ears while you are listening to music that reminds you of your ex boyfriend and typing about Global Warming. I hope you enjoy it as well.

We share a special connection. Or something. Now it's my turn to one up you.

maybe..

shaping

i just wrote, "i forgot how anxious this makes me feel" but i think the statement, "i forgot how carefree this makes me feel" speaks louder. i cant explain why but right now, whats going on for me feels like back home in vienna. like im returning to that mold i assumed. i miss that so fucking much. maybe im sacrificing a few things on the way?

no, i'm not at all.

oh youu

I just dont know what to do with myself.

as of september 30

the world i identify with is going crazy. thank god for the stability ive maintained throughout my life. i feel a bit satisfied to know i'm not a part of it. i just feel a bit overwhelmed to have dealt with it.

for you

as hard as it is losing you, i dont want to lose myself.

we will never lose each other, though. this i know, despite the trials and tribulations we might come across.

for laughs

so an hour ago i went to the bank of america off broad street to deposit a check. upon waiting in line, this bag lady walked in. she reeked of piss. she had like, crocodile styled luggage. she carried everything she owned with this luggage roller. how cute.

anyway, she took a gander around the building and ended up in the small business line....... haha alison and i had too much fun with that.

also, the bank of america off broad is a bank for champions, especially ones with affluent parents and lifestyles.

i will delve into this later but..

i am increasingly infatuated with the possibilities this coming year has to offer me. part of it is the unknown that really gets to me.

i need to return to the old me.

i have arrived

dorm room. it looks like a terrible mess at the moment but i swear its really not. in my defense tonight might turn into laundry night so everything thrown around it in each what way is for that reason. also: i usually make my bed. this is really new to me. maybe its the duvet cover, as i usually just get white sheets to match my white comforter as a white mess is more aesthetically pleasing than a mess of sheets all different colors or shapes.

also proof im doing laundry tonight- jeans are on my desk?
yeah. really pleased with how this works. i eat really well, actually, and i can even afford soy milk. i even spent over 120 the other day and.... didnt really dent much into the funds. i know ive taken out over 7500 in loans (just my first semester, at that) but the anxiety that usually goes with such a debt hasnt hit me yet, i guess because im young and im dumb and i dont give a fuck? not. joke. i love my roommates, besides the fact one of them doesnt really socialize with me. i love alison, at that, and even though we see each other 24/7 shes aesthetically pleasing and easy to be around. so this is good. i cant say ive met too many people besides my roommate and a few of her friends? but getting people here has been easy. college life is something ive easily adapted to. but i miss my cat.

and thats kind of why i got around to this thing... because i really do miss my cat.

so

i should probably stop wasting my time filling out those ridiculous npdor surveys i get in the mail all the time. how the hell do i even think i could win money from those things? complete waste of time.

this friday i move to atlanta. its kind of crazy, because this monday i start college. does this sound bad? i cant help it.... but im really excited to have a trader joes so close to me.

and thats about all i can say right now. i wont be able to talk about it now, if not never. but its something i cant face yet and its something i cant believe. what can i expect. the statistics show nothing but a failure rate for those kinds of things but with these circumstances? i cant bear them. i used to feel the weight of my family drag me down. now that familiar feelings has showed up again. i pride myself in being optimistic but fuck. fuck. what do you expect from me with these kinds of things?

this is too much for me right now.

Someday, I will sail again,
To a distant shore, far away.

i dont really know what to say yet?

right now

i'm in this mess that i'd like to dig out of but i'm not sure if its going to be so easy. i only wish things could be easy, because they always become so tangled and complex. i can handle complex, but its complicated. and sometimes i find it so much easier to give up. i'm probably going through another one of those 'big steps' in your life right now but its been so camouflaged by the shit thats gone down.

either way.... i have a whole lot to say to you still, and i'm pretty sure it will remain unsaid. oh well. maybe its better that way.

im thinking of you harder

i love coming back

list

i have various things i need to take care of:
1. united didnt send me nor my father a confirmation email... although they deducted miles from my fathers account. i gotta check on that.
2. clean room?
3. clean fish tank
4. cancel order on pants. ugh. why did i order pants online? i never fit in pants. haha whatev
5. make more money.
6. july is vacation time. this is exciting.
7. loans for college
8. become friends with my roommates. (besides alison, of course)
9. place order for laptop.

oh god, so its already july and i have so many weeks until college. god. god god god.

There's no preventative, directive or safe approach for living. We each know our own fate. We know from our youth how to be treated, how we'll be received, how we shall end. These things don't change.

i'm obsessed with how things can or should or will turn out. i bother myself about these sorts of things. seeing you and leaving with such an unnecessary sour taste in my mouth. i should of showed you everything i was feeling. but whats wrong with me? i deny those feelings. especially around you. you drive me crazy because you're not like any other admirer. you're real and your life is seperate, it doesnt involve me for the most part. this is something i need to get over. please give me another chance. for some reason, ive convinced myself ive lost any sort of chance.

twenty things to twenty something people

one. i know people start these out with their boyfriends, or their best friends, (i mean, even though they are anonymous its completely obvious,) but i'm going to start off with you. you've been there for me more this past year than the last few years. i think you started to slide out of my life back in middle school, and then i shut you out. i could never understand you. i still cant. im your own flesh and blood, and i cant understand you still. eighteen years, and theres that constant, "shes still someone i might not know." but i like that. i think everything you are, i am in some ways, as well. i am the collective conscious, you know, carl jung? the best part about you is your insanity. i love you.

two. hm, you made your way into my life, didnt you? i cant believe it either. you werent someone id casually fall for. you werent even someone i thought id love. and youre everything i need right now. everything i could ask for. everything i do ask for. im sorry if it feels like theres a time frame. im sorry about the ambiguousness of whats going to happen in the rest of the months. what really makes me love you is how much you've changed me. i told you this once in the car, casually, and i did that thing i do that passes it off as any old thing. i just want you to know i meant that, i meant all of that. whichever time you're thinking of, because im sure there are plenty, i meant all of that. you've shaped me into someone i find even sexier and better each day and i love you. call that selfish, but i hope i've shaped you as well. in many ways, i can tell i have. slowly but surely... no matter what happens, ill always have you to thank you for it.

three. you're only three because the last few days ive been thinking about you. i dont know why, its utterly ridiculous since you dont pay me the least bit time of day. anyway, since i've become involved with another guy, ive thought about how i treated you. how i said i loved you, but nothing i did equated to that. who the fuck was i. someone who didnt care. and i never cared to even reflect on it. some odd years later, i do. isnt that odd? look at the effect you had upon me. maybe i loved you after all. i think i did. sorry...

four. you know, i'm proud of you in every way possible. i've been with you throughout every sort of typical middle school/high school endeavor and i love that you say im the only one that truly knows you. because you know, you're probably the only one that truly knows me. isnt that funny? you're so sarcastic and you're SO immature and i try to relish that as much as possible. i hope you know sometimes the actions you take hurt me. not like they're directed towards me or anything, its just, it hurts to see you make such fucking stupid decisions about girls. listen to me. i know you inside out. you're better than every girl you've been with since me, sorryyy.... anyway reading this i have no idea where this is going, since i havent talked to you in ages it seems? whats up with that best friend? i love you.

five. former best friend? i dont want to call you that. friend? yes, someone i want to remain friends with. sometimes i know deep inside you're hiding something from me, but that doesnt bother me anymore. i wish the best for you, only the best, and if you ever want i can take you out and we can dip in optimism. really, we were good for each other back then. i miss you, i miss you a lot. please dont lose touch. just because you live in your own world, doesnt mean i cant peak inside every now and then. i love you.

six. well hello. you know how many times ive said 'thank god we're not typical girls and we dont hate each other'??? well, i'm going to say it again. because honestly you've become one of my best friends this past year and thank god for our non-typical actions we took a couple years ago. reallyyyy. this year and everything we did together made more sense in my life if that makes any sense, minus a few fucking crazies in the way. we're stuck in that 'sea of lies' or whatever you referred to it but its hilarious. im kind of glad i can be blunt and joke and sarcastic and all of the above with you, because when im living next to you i cant wait to be blunt and joke more. thank god for real men, road trips, and all boys colleges? haha, no thanks for crazy fucks who lie like crazy. more can be said about you but you know, it would probably turn into like, a glorification of you. threesome?

seven. haha ok but like, what?! WHAT. are you serious. do you think we're all stupid.

eight. yoouuuu. your laugh is infectious. i love your attitude, personality, its infectious. so many thanks to the past summer spent with you, you're fun. and you being my hairstylist? ah, so many more thanks. please dye it blonder. not so blonde though. you know what i say. and god. only girl i can literally dish all out with. about this and that. sometimes pete nags on me about it, and says we're mouthers or mouth tots? mouth yupps? i dont even know, some stupid nick name he gives people but ah you know what. we're perfectly understandable. love youu. (sorry im loud. i get it from my mom.)

more later? more..

i have a lot of things to say

and i tried to get onto each subject. i havent had the time to say anything about myself, or whats going on lately, because i havent even had time to really sit like this and reflect on it.

i'll say it all later

when things dont work out as planned, its great to know my optimistic outlook on life really comes in handy. things will be ok.

march 20th

something you might not know about me is that i'm very susceptible to mood swings. ever since i've started working, im always tired, always stressed, and i never seem to have the time to do anything. and everything gets overwhelming and this feeling inside my chest seems to pulsate and my feet can't press hard enough on the gas and i feel like i'm going to run off the road. its that sort of anxiety. constant back of my head, constant rethinking, and i dont even tell people this. not even my boyfriend, or any sort of my best friend, or my parents. and this is something ive always struggled with, this internal conflict my anxiety creates for me, but i always have that attitude that its not a big deal. come vacation time im tranquil, happy, regular me. high strung is a word i would not use to describe myself, but march 20th, with about 30 or 40 or so days until i graduate i feel the pressure and the weight of all thats happening. like today, i woke up early to finish this lab... e-mailed it in, he didnt get it.. the whole fucking day i worry about this lab. and what it's going to do to my grade. this year, for some reason, i give four shits for my grades when honestly i've always been the one to say 'its only a grade.' because really, big fucking deal, i get honor roll my senior year? why is this something i need to have. why am i putting myself into so much stress. and plans. i make them all in my head. i calculate how much time it will take. it all fits nicely inside my head, but when it comes to the actual execution of these plans i either 1) forget about them, and do something else or 2) im forced to deal with something else. this causes me a GREAT fucking amount of stress, when something doesnt go as planned i'll worry about it for the rest of the day. classic example, i went shopping with my boyfriend and found this really, really adorable dkny summer dress on sale. didnt buy it then, came back in an hour and it was gone... and the rest of the day i had this feeling like i had to have that dress. how silly though, just a dress right? magnify times whatever serious situation that goes down that doesnt work out right. then you might understand. constant.. constant. i'm happy, dont get me wrong, i just need to breathe.

i just dont know what to do with myself...

for those of you who dont know, i turned 18 thursday. and you only turn 18 once, along with any other birthday, but society marks this as the start of your adulthood. in a way, they're completely right. i am an adult now. but theres plenty of mixed feelings ive experienced. first, ive always felt like the youngest. i mean, ive always had friends both younger and older than me but it was always like i had some catching up to do. ive realized thats not so the case anymore. also, i'm really of the authority to purchase porn? how exciting. but blah blah blah. oh the places i'll go and good dreams will come my way... i'm totally overwhelmed...

other updates: got into georgia state, working at mellow mushroom, owner of a pair of timeless sunglasses, love my friends, love thy neighbor, nine months with my boyfriend, school... a few months till i graduate. sometimes as life runs its course you have to really observe the picture, and see it for all its worth. this is really happening, this is really happening. i made a playlist yesterday called "jeune fille," young girl, and thats just something id do when i feel that way. i'm still young girl, but everything is passing by and aging like it should. i still feel the same.

on another note, i found this channel that plays all that re-runs. how exciting.

several things

truth... i'm so happy with my life. each day i'm more and more unappreciative of my current state. definitely. i'll go to bed regretting the way i treated this person, or that person, because honestly all they deserve is 'thank you' and every indication of my compassion towards them. hm. the two years i've spent here really turned me into someone i respect, someone who i've always knew i could be.. anyway, why i'm saying all of this.

a week ago isabelle, a very good, old friend from virginia came to atlanta and i got to visit. we made plans to hang out, and once i got off the phone with her i found myself on the verge of tears. like, not even happy tears. tears void of emotion. it was the weirdest thing i've ever had happen to me. i wonder how i sound admitting this. anyway, i tried to explain to pete that i've finally realized that... i actually live here. what i meant was, having her, here, seeing me in my environment with a bunch of friends really solidified the fact that i no longer am who i was back in virginia. i've totally changed. it felt as if, i could honestly be myself around someone from there. if that doesnt make any sense, basically every time i visit there i always found myself in some alter-experience. like, i had been detached from some place, but time froze there, and id be back to 2005 still the same person. it's weird, that feeling. for some reason it was finally like thats not the case anymore. all it took was someone from my past coming down to see me in the present. it was so easy talking to her. like i couldnt stop. i was still aching to hear about how everyone was but it was great to know... its not so polarized anymore.

none of this makes sense i bet. its been some ongoing struggle, that never made any sense, but now it's evaporated and i feel so much older.

lie... 'i hate it here.'
that's so far from the truth.